


Things I Will Never Write

by holdouttrout



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-05-09
Updated: 2007-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdouttrout/pseuds/holdouttrout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of responses to a "things I will never write" meme. Includes: Sam/Jack first time after which they talk about kids; Vala explains that Jack is not hot; Sam loves Jack, no, Cam, no, Daniel, no, Teal'c, no, Vala; Sam's (evil) twin sister; Sam/Daniel blind date;  Vala/Cam/Daniel OT3; Farscape/Stargate crossover; mini!Jack/Sam smutlets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sam/Jack first time after which they talk about kids

There really wasn't time at the cabin for anything to change, but they had used the time to adjust to the idea that something might. The week had been filled with a severe awareness of space, distance, maneuvering. Jack and Sam orbited around each other using Daniel and Teal'c as strategic high and low ground, making advances, retreating, and generally driving the two other men crazy (though they didn't let that appear in their expressions).

Now that they were back in Colorado, they were making tiny steps toward...something, taking it so slow it could barely been seen as progress at all. Maybe a slightly longer phone call, or standing slightly closer than they might have before. And they were perfectly fine with that, really, because you couldn't just rush into these things, and they had a lot more baggage to get through than the average non-couple. So it was good. To take things slow.

Really.

So the day that Jack meandered into her office, he had decided it was time to Shut the Door. A big step. Nothing that would be misconstrued, obviously, because the camera would still be on. Only Carter would really get the message. Perfectly fine.

He walked in. He shut the door. Carter looked up, startled. She looked at him, then at the door, then back at him. For good measure, she looked at the camera.

And started to laugh.

Jack was bewildered. He had this carefully thought out. Laughter wasn't part of The Plan. He stared at her. Carter, still laughing, pointed toward the camera. Jack looked.

There was no blinking red light.

In fact, the wire for said camera was pulled out, hanging loose. Jack understood immediately that she'd taken her own step in The Plan.

Which is why, several minutes later, he had her up on her table and her hands under his shirt and his mouth on hers.

He was still trying to remind himself that slow was good when he ran his hands up her thighs (still covered by her BDUs) and she moaned into his mouth.

The BDUs came off sometime after that. It was all terribly unprofessional of them, but Jack honestly didn't care because finally he had Carter exactly where he wanted her.

Finally had Carter.

After they put their clothes back on (and there was, oddly, only a moment or two of hesitancy, only a flash of worry before they shrugged it off) they sat side by side on her desk, not hand-holding, but their figers occassionally tangling as they caught their breath.

Slow was overrated.

Jack turned to Sam just as Sam turned toward him, their mouths opened to speak. Sam shut hers first, so Jack went ahead. "So...how do you feel about kids?"


	2. Vala explains to Jack why he's just... not hot

Vala was dead, and Jack was trying to ignore her. Why did he have to be the only person who could see her? Why?

He was currently trying to explain to SG1 that Vala was, in fact, somewhat not-dead. That she was right. there. That she was annoying the heck out of him and could they please figure this out quickly because she was starting to give him a headache and she's already made him laugh inappropriately in a Very Important Meeting with the President.

Vala sat--and how could a dead person sit anywhere?--on the briefing room table, her hair in those damn pigtails, watching the rest of her team adjust to the news that she was still alive (sort-of) and no, not ascended, at least she didn't feel ascended, but that she was pretty damn tired of being (mostly) invisible and could they please hurry it up?

Finally Daniel believed him, and after that, Carter. Teal'c and Cam just decided to go along with it for now.

Jack, impatient, tuned out Daniel and Carter as they huddled over the conference table, diagrams, translations, and an odd-looking device in hand. He wandered over to the gateroom window.

Behind him, Vala watched him though his reflection. "You're not hot, you know."

Jack turned around. "Excuse me?"

Carter and Daniel looked up. Jack gestured toward Vala and shrugged. The two gave each other a look and went back to their work, now fiddling with the device, which started humming.

Vala swung her legs out from under her and over the edge of the table. She leaned forward on her hands and tilted her head, considering him. "I suppose you could have been, a few years ago. The grey--well, it could look distringuished, I guess. But compared to Teal'c or Cam or Daniel? Not so hot."

Behind Vala, the device whined up to a high pitch and then shut off abruptly.

She continued into a silent room, "I don't know what Samantha was talking about when she said she thought you were good-looking. But then she  _was_  very drunk."

Jack said, "Sam said I was  _what_?" Sam had turned a bright red and Daniel, damn him, had started to laugh. Jack and Vala noticed that both the others were looking directly at her.

Sam's eyes narrowed. Vala gulped.

Vala jumped off the table. "I think I'll go wander a bit."

Jack turned toward Sam. He was so going to get in trouble for this, but it was totally worth it.

"You think I'm hot?"


	3. Sam's interrupted wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jack's wedding: Cam dramatically interrupts to say that Sam can't marry Jack... because she actually loves Cam!

They only had one minor galatic crisis to handle the morning of their wedding, so by their reckoning, things were moving along pretty smoothly.

Also, Sam's hair looked fabulous.

As in, really great.

This was going to be perfect.

Jack waited at the head of the aisle, like he was supposed to, along with Daniel and Teal'c. Vala had already taken her position at the front, and Sam was almost to the front, too. Jack, like he ought to, was thinking that he was a pretty lucky bastard. This was just perfect. She'd say yes, they'd have cake, and then lots of sex.

"I object."

Jack was startled out of his contemplation of Sam's brilliant blue eyes, eyes the color of the sky, or maybe the event horizon, eyes to get lost in, eyes to--

Object? Who could possibly object? It was a known fact that Jack and Sam were meant for each other. Hadn't they proved it with all (two, and possibly three) of those alternate universes?

Cam strode up the aisle. Jack's eyes narrowed. Sam turned just before she reached Jack and stared at Cam, shaking her head at him.

He repeated himself. "I object. Sam, you can't marry General O'Neill."

Jack said, "What?"

Cam stood a little straighter. "Sam doesn't love you, sir. She loves me."

Jack looked at Cam like he'd lost his mind. Then he looked at Sam. Who was looking at Cam.

"Oh, this is just perfect," Jack said, "It's true, isn't it?"

Sam looked down at the ground.

Jack threw up his hands. "I don't believe this! Actually, I do! I should have known something like this would happen. You are such a--"

"I object!" Daniel said, stepping forward. "I didn't want to say anything, because I only want to make Sam happy, but she can't love either of you. Sam loves me"

Teal'c pushed Danile aside. "Indeed, I believe you are mistaken. It is quite obvious that SamanthaCarter loves me."

Jack turned to Sam, "Carter...care to explain?"

Sam looked puzzled. (Although her hair still looked amazing.) "I thought I just loved you, sir, really. But when Cam said it, I knew it was true. And I'm sure I love Daniel and Teal'c, too."

Jack opened his mouth to--well, to yell--but just then he heard a sniffle from right by Sam.

It was Vala. Everyone turned toward her. She said, "I thought Sam loved me!"

Jack blinked. "Okay. Didn't see that coming."

Sam, however, lit up. "Of course! It makes perfect sense!"

Everyone stared at her.

She said, "All this time I've thought I was just confused about which man I loved, when really, I've just been gay this whole time! It's perfectly obvious that I'm a lesbian, and in love with Vala."

She faced Jack. "Sorry, sir. I just didn't know. You know I'm bad at this emotional stuff." She handed him the ring and gave Vala a kiss. A long one. Then they walked back down the aisle together, leaving everyone still staring after them.

Jack finally said, as the two women walked out of sight, "Oh, that's just...perfect."

And every other heartbroken person there agreed.


	4. Sam's (Evil) Twin

It was always the same thing: no matter how smart, talented, or accomplished Samantha was, Sandra always managed to do better.  
  
Sam dreaded the phone calls.  
  
"Hi, Sam! How are you doing these days?"  
  
Sandra, of course, had clearance, so Sam was, sadly, able to tell her everything about her life. "Blew up a sun."  
  
Sandra would act surprised. "Really! That's great--how'd that go?"  
  
"Oh well, you know, figured out I could toss an open 'gate in,"  
  
"Which would destabilize the core, creating a supernova. Pretty good sis."  
  
Sam would feel a moment of pride. She would be moved to inquire after her sister.  
  
"Found the cure for cancer last week."  
  
It was always something.  
  
But even Sam never saw this one coming.  
  
Sandra breezed into the SGC. Her hair, of course, was long and perfect. Her nails were flawless. Even her ass looked better than Sam's, if only because Sandra, who wasn't an Air Force officer, but a senior medical consultant to the SGC, was allowed to wear clothes that flattered said areas of her anatomy.  
  
Sam's team, upon meeting Sandra, looked at Sam in shock.  
  
"Twin sister?" Daniel managed to speak first.  
  
"That is so ho--" Jack swallowed his words, finished lamely, "interesting."  
  
Sam raised an eyebrow.  
  
Sandra said, "You didn't tell them about me?"  
  
Sam's teammates glared at Sam accusingly. Daniel answered for them all, giving Sandra a sympathetic look. "No, no, she didn't."  
  
Everyone looked at Sam. Sam shrugged helplessly. Teal'c bowed and said, "I am most please to make your acquaintance, Sandra Carter."  
  
Then Daniel invited her to lunch.  
  
Over the next three weeks, Sandra managed to insert herself into everything. She even went on a mission and managed to save them all at a crucial juncture. Sam ground her teeth as the rest of her team thanked Sandra profusely.   
  
Then they had downtime. Sam fled the mountain, knowing that Sandra's stay was almost over. With any luck, she'd be gone by the time Sam returned, and she'd be able to get back to her life.  
  
When she returned, however, she was startled to find the SGC celebrating something. With a sinking feeling, she pushed past a crowd of people in the door to the commissary. In front of her was, of all things, a wedding cake. Behind it were her sister (of course) and...  
  
"Jack?"  
  
The room turned at her outburst.  
  
Her sister, of course, had the grace to look slightly embarrassed. "Sam! I'm so glad you got our messages! I really didn't want to start without you, but we couldn't get in touch with you at all."  
  
Sam gaped at the scene in front of her. "But...but...what is this?"  
  
Jack and Sandra glanced at each other meaningfully, deciding who would explain things. Jack lost. "Carter, I know this is sudden, but...well, getting to know Sandra--it's been amazing. When we had that down time, I asked her to go fishing with me. And...well, we got married yesterday." He grinned goofily at Sandra.  
  
Sandra said, "I really wanted you there. Oh Sam, please don't be mad."  
  
Sam looked between her sister and her CO. To the side, she could see Teal'c and Daniel looking on expectantly. She sighed, resigned. "I'm very happy for you both."  
  
The room relaxed, as if everyone had been holding his or her breath.  
  
As Sandra turned back toward the cake, Sam said, "Sir, you wouldn't happen to have a brother, would you?"


	5. Daniel's Blind Date

He was on his third date (out of eight) before he realized this was a complete waste of time. As the buzzer sounded and he moved to his next table, he sighed and took his glasses off briefly to rub his forehead. The last woman hadn't even known what linguistics meant (although she had had an entertaining guess).  
  
He reached an empty table and checked the number. Number six. That was right. He sat down anyway, figuring the woman was in the bathroom and would be back soon. He closed his eyes and figured that he would only be here one more hour, tops. He heard someone sit down across from him and opened his eyes.  
  
The blond across from him smiled widely, her eyes twinkling in open humor.  
  
"Dr. Carter?"  
  
Samantha Carter, Theoretical Astrophysicist and Captain in the Air Force, sat opposite him, wearing her dress uniform and looking every inch the proper officer, save for the huge grin on her face.   
  
"So," she said casually, "speed dating?"  
  
With a jolt, Daniel realized she was teasing him. Carter grinned even more, if that was possible, and Daniel got suspicious.  
  
"You're not here for..." he waved his hand to indicate the rows of tables.  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
She sobered. "We've got a problem."  
  
Daniel said, "A big problem?"  
  
She said, "We don't know yet, but I was told to get you, since I was in the area."  
  
Daniel raised his eyebrows. "And how did they know where I was?"  
  
She said, quite seriously. "Tracking device. Left shoulder."  
  
Daniel was reaching for it before he realized she was teasing him again. She grinned at his glare. "How should I know?"  
  
Just then the timer sounded for the next round.  
  
Carter leaned forward. "You know, it didn't sound *that* urgent. I'm sure it could wait, if you wanted to finish--"  
  
Daniel stood up. "That's okay."  
  
Carter followed him to the door. She made her voice breathy and said, "Really? Because I just *love* linguistics. It's so amazing, really, Dr. Jackson, and I'd   
  
*love* to have you...explain it to me sometime."  
  
Daniel stopped in his tracks. "Oh, you didn't overhear that."  
  
Carter just grinned and kept walking, leaving Daniel to catch up.


	6. Cam/Daniel/Vala OT3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vala's quite persuasive

It was, of course, Vala who brought it up.  
  
Daniel didn't even look up. "Not funny," he said, and went back to perusing the one book he'd brought with him. Why did it have to be the "Field Guide to Ancient Lettering Systems?" It would last him a couple of weeks, tops, and he already knew most of the material, anyway. He sighed over the thought of the ten or twenty lovely volumes of what he was calling the "Encyclopedia Goa'uld," a compilation of every piece of knowledge on the Goa'uld, gathered by three very dedicated Tok'ra operatives over centuries--  
  
Vala sat in his lap, obstructing his view of the pages. "Why not?"  
  
Daniel sighed. "Well, for one, it's weird."  
  
Vala raised her eyebrows.  
  
Daniel tried again. "It goes against my cultural and ethical values?"  
  
Vala stared at him. "And your people call themselves open-minded?"  
  
Cam chose that moment to walk in. Having heard Vala's question, he said, "You're going to have to be open-minded to try these beans--woah!" The last part was said as he took in Daniel and Vala's position.   
  
Actually, Daniel realized, it probably wasn't the position so much as the fact that Vala wasn't wearing any pants. Just a tiny. black. thong.  
  
Vala told Cam, "He hadn't noticed yet."  
  
Cam blinked. "How the hell could he not?"  
  
Daniel was wondering the same thing. And his reaction was not going unnoticed by Vala, who wiggled on his lap. He struggled to speak (and to avoid looking at her thighs). "Ah..."  
  
Vala just slid further up his lap. "I  _knew_  I'd get your attention eventually."  
  
Cam started backing away. Vala turned toward him. "Don't go. Daniel and I were just discussing how little there was to do on this planet." She punctuated the word 'just' with a twist of her hips that left Daniel's eyes rolling somewhere in his head. "I told Daniel that if he were open-minded enough, there was plenty to keep us entertained."  
  
"That's...great," Cam said in a strangled tone. "I'll just...leave you to it."  
  
Vala got up from Daniel's lap and grabbed Cam's arm before he could make his escape. She pouted. "You Tau'ri are so disappointing. No imaginations at all."   
  
And she kissed him, sliding her hands down to his ass so he was right up against her, his fingers tangling in her hair as first he tried to get away and then obviously decided to go with it.  
  
Daniel thought maybe it was a little hot.  
  
The two of them staggered back into the room, closer to Daniel, who thought, "What the hell," and stood up. Cam broke away from the kiss, and as Vala stuck her hand somewhere completely inappropriate, gasped to Daniel, "She's quite persuasive, isn't she?"  
  
Daniel had to agree.


	7. Stargate and Farscape Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cam finds out about a visit from a certifiable astronaut.

Cam was perusing one of the files he'd finally managed to get clearance for while occasionally attacking a plate of french fries. Sam smirked as she sat down across from him, plucking a fry from his plate and dipping it in the ketchup.  
  
She said, "There's always another security clearance."  
  
Cam sighed. "We were visited by aliens--real aliens--and I'm just now finding out about it." He shook his head. "I'd ask you why you didn't tell me, but well..."  
  
Sam smiled.  
  
Cam dropped the file onto the table. "Tell me about them. What were they like?"  
  
Sam dropped the smile and leaned back in her chair, thinking. Eventually she leaned forward and rested her arms on the table. "Actually, and this is gonna sound weird, but the astronaut, Crichton? He reminded me of you. In fact, Daniel and I had some laughs over how similar you two were."  
  
Cam frowned. "I'm getting the impression that there was something...off about him."  
  
Sam took another fry. "Well, he was certifiable."  
  
Cam raised an eyebrow. "Insane? But the report--"  
  
Sam said, "Whatever the report says, he was crazy. But he sounded crazy like we would sound crazy. Maybe a little bit more off the deep end, but he had some pretty strong evidence."  
  
"The ship."  
  
Sam gestured with another fry. "And the aliens."  
  
"Hmmm. Yeah. I'd just about gotten there." He flipped a page and did a double-take. "Is it just me, or does the woman look like Vala?"  
  
Sam squinted at the photo of the alien woman for several long seconds. "Not really."  
  
Cam looked at the picture another moment. "Huh. Guess it was just a trick of the light."  
  
Sam just shrugged.  
  
Cam said, "So, assuming we defeat the Ori, there's still the Scarrans, who may or may not be coming and might want to destroy us all just to get back at this guy who may or may not be insane?"  
  
Sam said, "That about covers it."  
  
Cam shook his head. "Sounds like my life. Poor bastard."


	8. It's not illegal anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam/mini!Jack weirdness.

In retrospect, she really wasn't surprised to see him. If she had thought about it, she would have known he wouldn't go to himself to talk, and he wouldn't have been able to bear going to Teal'c, who he could no longer gain access to, or Daniel, who would have laughed.  
  
Sam didn't find this funny. Maybe a little, at first, but it had struck her when she saw them both together--one older, one younger, and both definitely Jack--that there wasn't anything humorous about being stranded from your life. It could have been her.   
  
Sam shuddered, but not from her thoughts. Jack's lips on hers, and they were a lot softer than she would have guessed, his hands (Oh, God, his hands) smooth and uncalloused, but not hesitant, not shy or clumsy like they ought to have been for someone his age. Even with her eyes closed, she knew, sensed it. The only thing the same was his smell, and even that wasn't quite right. But it was him, despite his appearance, his voice, his smell. Wasn't it?  
  
She pulled back, unsure of why--how--she'd let him kiss her in the first place. She suspected it had something to do with the fact that he couldn't  _not_  be   
  
Jack O'Neill. She opened her eyes, saw his (young) face looking back at her.  
  
She groaned. "Jack, you just...I can't...this isn't right."  
  
Jack laughed humorously. "You're telling me. I'm over a decade  _older_  than you, Carter. And I just graduated from  _high school_. Believe me, I never appreciated your intelligence so much as when I had to listen to a sophomore named Karin-with-an-i complain about how hard algebra is while trying to get me to ask her out."  
  
Despite herself, Sam smiled at that complaint.  
  
Jack glared. "Oh, don't you dare laugh. It's not funny."  
  
Sam couldn't help herself. This was close to familiar territory. "But you got asked out by a fifteen-year-old girl. It's a little funny."  
  
Jack glared.  
  
Sam dropped the smile, and added, "Sir."  
  
Jack leaned forward, and Sam was made aware he hadn't really moved back at all during their previous exchange. He said, low and earnest, his breath on her neck, "I'm not your CO."  
  
Sam squirmed uncomfortably. "But you're still Jack O'Neill."  
  
He grinned. "Yes, I am." He touched her shoulder lightly, trailed his hand along her collarbone. He said, "Close your eyes, Sam," and kissed her again. And this time she let him.

 

*_*_*_*_*_*

  
  
Things were going a little too well when Jack walked in on them.   
  
"Well, that's...a little creepy."  
  
Sam started and looked up into the cold eyes of her CO. For his part, the (young) Jack looked mostly unpreturbed. Possibly a little smug.  
  
He said cheerfully, "Hello, me."  
  
Sam was still struggling to find air. She had a vague worry that her clothes might not be properly situated on her person, but she hadn't quite reached embarrassment yet.  
  
Before she could think, she said, "What are you doing here, sir?" Jack favored her with a glare, while the (younger) Jack hid a smirk and tugged her shirt back down.  
  
 _There_  was the embarrassment. No. Mortification. Sam sat straight up.  
  
Oh, God.  
  
Jack-the-younger was watching her, still amused. Jack-the-older was still glaring.  
  
He spoke through clenched teeth. "Just what. the. hell. did you think you were doing?"  
  
Sam wasn't sure who he was addressing.  
  
"Oh, come on. Like you wouldn't have done the same thing," the young Jack said. He sat up straighter but didn't stand up.  
  
Jack considered this and didn't reply, looking uncomfortable. Sam felt her mouth drop open.  
  
She stood. "You  _would!_ "  
  
Jack growled, "Well, of course I would, Carter." He was angry. He stepped closer to her, in her personal space. Sam's heart started racing again, along with her confusion. And anger.  
  
"Then why didn't you do anything two years ago!?"  
  
Jack took another step forward. "Carter, your father had just died, and you'd just broken off your  _engagement._  Even I'm not that stupid."  
  
"Well, you could've  _said_  something!"  
  
"Like what? 'Carter, I just wanted you to know that even though you're grieving, and we haven't actually said more than ten words on the subject, I still want to--" he broke off abruptly, rubbed his face with his hands.  
  
Sam looked away. The younger Jack rolled his eyes.  
  
Finally, Jack looked up. His face was haggard. "I thought it was too late."  
  
Sam looked at him, shocked.  
  
"After the cabin--Carter, what was I supposed to do?"  
  
Young Jack muttered something, but neither of them were listening.  
  
Sam said, "It wasn't too late."  
  
If anything, this just made Jack look more weary.  
  
Sam added carefully, "It's...still...not too late."  
  
Jack's eyes snapped to Sam's. She held his gaze for a long moment.  
  
Behind them, the younger Jack sighed. "Damn it all to hell! Thor, next time you come around, we're going to have a little talk about unethical cloning."


End file.
